If only he knew the kind of men I was with before him, he'll know why I reacted that way.
If only he knew how much it hurts to have him sleep soundly after what happened.
If only he knew how deep it pierces my heart to have him hear that he considers everything I said as pure nonsense.
If only he knew the walls I've built to keep people away from me just to gain his trust.
If only he knew how unloved I feel right now.
If only.

Just Cause You Need To Lose Sight Of The Shore To Discover New Oceans

Last night, my close friend Dianne asked me to view her new blog.. She wrote a commentary about this newly opened high end restaurant in Manila named Buddha Bar. She used blogger as her blog hosting site. Suddenly, a light bulb went on. Out of the blue, I remembered my blog. This blog. For the looooongest time, I have not written anything in my digital diary. And so much has happened since my last blog post. When I say SO MUCH, it means SSSSOOOOO MUUUUCCCHHH.  Too much, in fact. Well, let me try and enumerate each and every one of them in ONE WORD:

1.) Love.

It comes when you least expect it. And when it does, it's the most beautiful thing you could ever wish for. People can call it infatuation, friendship set on fire, a simple spur of the moment, but I call it love. *kiligtothebones*

2.) Miracle.

 

Late last year, we got devastating news that mom has stage 4 lung cancer. My world was torn into pieces. For several days I did nothing but cry and ask God why this had to happen to my family, especially to my mom. My family underwent tremendous torment and our faith was put to the test. This January, we decided to seek second opinion and found out it was all a MISDIAGNOSIS. What a relief. People might think about filing a case against mom's doctors who initially diagnosed it as cancer but we'd rather look at it in a more positive light, we considered it a miracle.  

3.) Risk. 

I've taken a lot of risks in this lifetime but this is probably the biggest one. I've decided to move to Singapore and fulfill my dreams of making it big in the corporate world. I have always idolized women who wore pencil skirts, long sleeved polo tops, with a Starbucks coffee in one hand and a Blackberry in the other; rushing to the elevator, racing against the clock, trying to reach her weekly board meeting on time. *sigh* Although this dream can be realized in the Philippines, I just feel like I'm meant to do something bigger. Also, it's time to leave my comfort zone, grow up and take the four letter word we've always been scared of-  RISK.

Just 'Cause I Need To Remember That I Love These Tracks

Punching In A Dream- The Naked and Famous

For You and Your Denial- Yellowcard

Pumped Up Kicks- Foster the People

Walk- Foo Fighters

Waiting- Bethany

Forever the Sickest Kids- Crossroads

OK Go- White Knuckles

Just 'Cause Cyberdating is Fun

Matty knows how to type "poop".

Just 'Cause That Disney Song Was Right All Along

Hello world! How’s it been? It’s been a long time since my last post and an even longer time since I had a post which does not have anything to do with links of YouTube videos. Haha.

I admit I’ve been a bit lazy when it comes to writing. Also while I was in Davao, I couldn’t concentrate on writing ‘cause babysitting would always stand in the way. But now that I’m in Manila, I have all the time for writing, for thinking and for myself.  

It’s 8:46pm, gloomy Tuesday night. I’m in my bedroom at the 15^th floor of a 30-something story building. Looking out my window, all I see are tall buildings acting as both figure and ground in the vast Ortigas landscape (CHOS).

Here, take a look:

View of what's outside my window

view of what's below my window

 

 I see clear skies with no stars in sight. Also, pollution isn’t that visible at night and that makes me happy. I can hear the cars and buses honk as they speed through Ortigas Avenue. 

It’s pretty much the urban life out there- something immensely different from what I’ve lived in my two-month stay in Davao. Hello adjustment and acceptance to CHANGE! Haha. Once again, I come face to face with the only thing that’s permanent in this world. Hopefully, my relationship with Mr. C has improved since I’ve had him in numerous occasions in the past. As a matter of fact, I feel more confident facing him now. Sign of maturity, I guess?

My bedroom now used to be my sister’s before she went to Quatar. It makes me miss her a bit, considering the fact that this used to be the place where we’d talk about anything random, from comical nonsense to boys we love to hate. Nonetheless, I’m happy for her ‘cause her hard work finally paid off, plus she found the love of her life and it seems like she’s having fun there. Having said that, I wish this room also brings me luck…and love. Hahaha.   

Now, enough of the present, let’s talk about the past! Well, the recent past, that is. December, December. You’re a month to remember! Haha. Not only because it’s the Christmas month but because a lot of unexpected events happened this month, events which had something to do with my past, influenced my present and might affect my future. Best way to end the year, eh? So let me start sharing whilst the night is young:

 “It’s a small world after all.”

WTH.- these three letters were all I could think of when I found out about it. WHAT. THE. HELL. Just that. Okay, so here’s what happened. It was the annual Christmas party of my so called “clique” (which for me means, people who are not family that you can’t live without).

We were having a blast when one of my almost drunk guy friends suddenly blurted out:

“Hey, I know something about you!”

I thought it was another one of his jokes but hell no. It was something I did not expect. After so much blabbing, the entirety of his message was this:

“I met a stranger in a car show; he was from Cebu and turns out he was your ex and he shared something about the two of you!”

Great. Just great. How the hell did this overpopulated country get so small? Out of thousands of people in Davao, why the hell did my ex-boyfriend get acquainted with one of the members of my clique? And worse, he said things which were supposed to be between the two of us ONLY. And much much much worst, to add insult to injury, that friend of mine was a complete stranger to him.

I know the break up was bad but seriously? You’d share those things to a stranger you just met at a car show?! Are you that tactless? Or are you just plain immature?

I swear that If I had super powers to turn back time, I’d relive the moment when my friend blurted it out and I’d place packaging tape in his mouth just to shut him up.

I admit I was hurt. How could the only guy in Cebu which I had a “real” relationship with (or so I thought) do this to me? Why did the one Cebuano whom I thought could be mature enough to respect our past do this to meeeee?

Why?

WHY???

Do you always do this to me?

Whyyy?

Couldn’t you just see it through me?

How come, you act like this like you just don’t care at all?

Do you expect me to believe I was the only one who’d fall?

I can feel, I can feel you near me.

Even though you’re far away.

 I can feel, I can feel you baby.

 WHYYYY?

By Avril Lavigne. Hahaha.

Whatever his reason was, it was not reasonable enough. 

After the party, all I could think of was what just transpired. Thoughts of the past I’ve been trying to forget came running through my mind. Memories of my mistakes felt fresh- the guilt, the sadness and the regrets. It made me realize something important- that no matter how hard we try to run away from the past, it will always, ALWAYS haunt us. Why? One word- CONSEQUENCE.  

These are the consequences of my actions. Physics would tell you that in every action there is always a reaction. This, dear self, is one of the few reactions of your past actions.

The next day, I was on Facebook and Mr. I’m-Gonna-Tell-Everyone-About-Us-Even-Strangers was online and I wanted to confront him about it. Or at least message him two letters that would perfectly summarize how I felt: FU!!!

But, the angel in me won.  I opted not to do it. It wouldn’t change anything. Right? What good would that do? What’s done is done. Maybe I also had my own share of faults; I couldn’t blame it all on him.

As much as I would like to, life is not like MS-Word, it doesn’t have an UNDO button. So no matter how hard I try to rationalize things the bottom line is this- I can’t rewrite the past. 

However, being the optimistic person that I am, I decided to be positive about it. I’m using these consequences to my advantage. Instead of drowning myself with regrets and become a victim of the “what-might-have-been” phenomena, I’d rather learn from it.

I admit I was young, immature and in love back then and stupid decision-making was one of the things I was good at. And so, part of the blame should go to my underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex. Although it’s supposed to be fully developed at age 12, I’ve always been a late bloomer. haha

Since I can’t change the past, all I can do is extract as much wisdom from my mistakes. It’s the key to make better choices now and in the future. One of those important lessons is to avoid douche bags at all times! And of course, to be wiser in whatever I do. I have also learned to listen to that little voice inside of me, the one that tells you to use Safeguard instead of the other soap brand, the one Oprah keeps telling her audience to listen to when in doubt, the one that the Bible tells us to keep clean and clear.  

All these important lessons are useless unless I put them out there. And that’s the biggest challenge- to transform wisdom into action. The unforgettable Christmas doesn't end here, Imma post something more next time. But I need to go now 'cause my effin Smart Bro's almost out of credits. So, before I end this entry, let me raise my glass to the past while singing this very meaningful song:

Just 'Cause I Used To Avoid An Ex-Beau on Facebook

While browsing for Sarah Bareilles' King of Anything, I ran into this song. It's by an awesome singer/songwriter from Australia (saying that with an Aussie accent), Kate Miller-Heidke
The lyrics are totally hilarious!! Feel free to sing along! :)

They say everyone should have their heart broken at least once
And that is how you grow emotionally
Well I have been misused by many, many, many men
But nothing can compare to how you treated me.

At times it really felt as though the pain was here to stay
And though it’s many years I go I feel it to this day,
And now you wanna be my friend on Facebook
Are you fucking kidding me?

All the memories are flooding back to me now
All the ways you stole the light from my eyes
I travelled so far just to get away from you
‘Til this morning’s friend request surprise!

At times it really felt as though I’d never smile again
You narcissistic arsehole, oh you nasty nasty man
And now you wanna be my friend on Facebook
Are you fucking kidding…?

I don’t care what kind of cocktail you are,
Or which member of The Beatles or which 1950s movie star
I don’t give a toss if you’re a ninja or a pirate
I suspect you’d be a pirate, but I don’t wanna verify it
And I don’t give a shit what your stripper name is
Or if your kitty had a litter
Look -- Just follow me on Twitter
I don’t care about your family tree
And I certainly don’t want you poking me…
again.

And now you wanna be my friend on Facebook
Oh you fucking, fucking fuck…

Click IGNORE. 

Just 'Cause OPM Makes Me Proud To Be Pinoy

No’s such a powerful word 

were not capable of saying tonight

- Grab (Orange Cartel)

*I think Orange Cartel did a good job on the bass line.  

********

You made a hole on my earth, I kneel to check how deep.

In vain I start to fall, but when I know its you who dug it, do I need to care whats in?

- Billy I Can't Sleep Tonight (Orange Cartel)

**********

Hold on to what we've got

& I'll bleed to make it last

- Paperskin (Jejaview)

* I swear "Jejemon" was the first thing that came to mind when I saw the band name. :))

**********